Episode 22:Navigating Grief and Healing: An Interview with Cathy Blake

Cathy Blake, author of "Those Left Behind: My Brother's Suicide," discusses her personal journey of healing and advocacy for mental health awareness and suicide prevention.

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Hello world and welcome to Choices, Books and Gifts, where You Always Have Choices. And I'm proud to present our guest today. This is Cathy Blake. Good morning Cathy. Good morning Jay. Oh, that's so sweet. So I'm going to read a little bit about Cathy. So we know We learn a little bit more about who she is. This is her bio. Cathy Blake is an author and advocate known for her memoir, Those Left Behind My Brother's Suicide drawing from her personal experience and profound journey of healing.

Cathy courageously shares her story on the complex aftermath of suicide, loss, and the resilience of the human spirit. Beyond her role as author, Cathy Blake is passion is a passionate advocate for mental health awareness and suicide prevention. Through her book and public speaking engagements, she strives to normalize conversations surrounding mental illness and offer hope to those who may be struggling in silence. That's beautiful. You know, Cathy, we are touching on, you know, there's subjects in life and this is one of the top five tough ones. And I think that, suicide is very hard on any human being in life when they lose a family member or a good friend.

so I was hoping to jump right in to some questions for you, and so we can have your lovely knowledge on this subject matter. Okay, so it seems like from reading the book, which I thoroughly enjoyed, your brother was extremely talented and well liked. Can you tell us a little bit about him?

Oh, yes. he could light up a room. I’ll tell you. He would walk in, and he was a very funny person. He was very mischievous. You know, he was always adventurous. Talented. But he would everybody would gravitate towards him. He just had that kind of energy. And, you know, we all just loved being around him. He was also a teaser. He would be funny, you know, and tell funny things.

And I smile as I think about it now because, he was he was hysterical even in the worst of times. Right. He sounds like a real character. That sounds great. All right, so I know he was your old brother. I'm sure he was very protective of you. Can you tell us a little bit about? Was that going on?

Oh, yes. we were two years, almost two years, difference between us and he, which basically put in charge of me in the early years. my family was, I guess, busy doing other things. So we, myself and Steve would just. Let's go outside and we'll see you for dinner. So we go around, we go around the neighborhood and we jump off things and do all that kind of stuff.

But he was the person that held my hand when I was gone across the street or when I was sick, he would come to my bed even though he was just a little kid. But, we grew very dependent on each other, and I worshiped him.

 You know, I have a we must be the same age because it was the same thing. They threw us out in the morning, and you didn't have to come back till dinner. My father come out the door and, you know, we sometimes we'd really travel, but we'd hear his whistle from wherever we were. And my brothers would come running home.

So I know, I know the lifestyle you grew up. were there any signs of him being depressed or acting out that would have indicated anything in of his mindset to you or the family or any?

You know, As I've thought about that over the years, I suppose there were things that if there were coming today, I probably would take notice of. But given the fact we grew up in the 70s, you know, the fact that he had some substance abuse issues, was no surprise to anybody. You know, it wasn't unusual at that time. I didn't understand the depths of it. He was also in a band. He was the rock and roll star. He was a rocker

Yeah. And he, you know, all the babes loved him. And he, you know, he would just have a great time. He enjoyed himself very much. I'm very familiar with him because I lived the same. I was home for a long time. separated a birth where we, That's funny. Yeah. It was a wonderful life. And our family, you know, was kind. It was pretty close knit, as dysfunctional as it was. And, we did know that we loved each other, and we did do things together. Go, you know, to the ocean and have picnics and, you know, and all of that. So we did have a sense that we loved each other and we were not afraid to express that.

Wonderful, wonderful. And I, you know, I just got to keep driving at home. Everything you see just reminds me of my upbringing. so tell me, what do you think prompted you to write this book?

Well, you know, I think, honestly, people asked me, did you get some kind of relief from writing it or did it soothe you or anything? The answer to that question is no. I had written it a while ago. I began it a while ago, and because of what I see around me, and I do have a medical background, so I've seen a lot of death, more than most people, I would say.

And, you know, I've seen how people struggle, and I know that there are statistics now about vets and about you know, even entangle deaths and people who are not committing suicide. But maybe, you know, another way they're dying. And while there could be so many different things in this day and age going on, and I was concerned about the people who were left behind, because we all, I believe, feel like there's something wrong with us because it takes so long to have the horrible tragedy, diminish. It's, strength, in the type of pain that we, we live with. And I think that needs to be acknowledged for people because you feel very alone, very much like, you know, something's wrong with you. A lot of people close to suicide are,

actually, at risk for committing suicide themselves.

 So was the book, can I say, was it more for you, or was it for the knowledge of people so they can learn that they're not alone? when suicide happens? Yes. When suicide or any sudden loss.

I had a friend. Sister recently died. She was walking on the street with her dog and got hit by a car. And they were lifelong friends, you know. And how often do we hear these types of stories? And she is struggling with that loss right now. And I just wanted people to know that even though they struggle with it for years and decades, they can get through it. They can emerge through it, and in fact, can be, in fact, better because of a situation. I think That's wonderful, wonderful information. And I'm sure as we go on, people will be more looking forward to that because I think so many people are suffering. So I am grateful that you wrote this book and that we're presenting it to the world. what are some of the hardest things to deal with when losing a family member to suicide? What was the hardest part for you?

Well, I was actually quite spiritual growing up. Our religious, I would say, went to church every Sunday with my grandmother. And so I had a very strong faith, until my brother's suicide, we had prayed together, he and I, in recent proximity to the event, actually, because his life was turning around, he, had some difficulties, and now he had a new job. His girlfriend was back. They were living together again, and everything seemed great. So we just said a quick prayer. Thank you for all these wonderful things happening for me. I'm so grateful. And, within a few months, he was dead.

So, I had just lost a lot of my faith, and, I found myself really being discouraged with, God and in fact, I could say I hated him. I call him he because, I figured he should have been the one to, to help my brother. He was the one. He was the mystical, mysterious power greater than myself, who I thought should have answered my prayers. I understand that, yeah.

I understand your anger towards God. Yeah. So when I, when I, my brother died, I found myself not being comfortable having conversations With what anymore being, you know, in close proximity to God in prayer or going to church or anything. And, it left me pretty isolated. And then now when I was talking to God, it was screaming or swearing or, you know, I wasn't I felt very, alone. Like there wasn't anything backing me anymore.

Yeah. And it's all completely understandable. That's such a terrible loss. And you want to blame somebody? You know What happened here? All right. What were some of the things that you did to start healing from your brother's death? Were there specific steps? How did you learn to do what you needed to do to come out the other end?

 

Such a good question. You know, I had to, get some help with that because I had spent my life, I think I was probably something along the lines of a workaholic. I like to be busy, kept busy athletics, this and that, and it was one of the ways I was able to avoid, the deeper feelings of the loss a lot of times. And so I think that

a lot of the fun things that I had done in my life, had whittled away after I moved to New York, you know, I wasn't doing a sports and doing all the other things. I was working a lot, and I had to learn what it was that made Cathy smile.

What did I like to do? And I was working with a coach, a life coach at the time at, well, not at the time, many years afterwards. And she said to me, you know what? Give something that reminds you of joy, get something and hold it with you, like a little crystal or something, a stone, like many you have in your store.

And so I did, I took a, I got a crystal shape, like a star, and I kept that near me. I have it beside my bed, still, and I looked at it and it. I could start to have the feeling of joy again. Easily, slowly. It creeper into. Oh, I got a smile. And, this is this is what I need to practice.

Yeah. So working with her helped me quite a bit. And, there was some other things that I did as well. I started to do a lot of study, and about religion to try to prove, you know, God wrong because my religion said he was an owl. I couldn't, be a that. So I definitely I was trying to find some place that said, this is okay.

He's okay. And you're okay. Yeah. You know, it's amazing because through my life, like you, I grew up with the very, you know, damning God that, you know, and through the years of experience, life getting the kind of help that you got, I now have a different feeling. My God looks different. He's not anything I do is,

you know, within me is forgiven.

And it's a different relationship and it's a different God literally says, yeah, What is life like for you today? Is it still hard like in the beginning back then and. Yeah. So what's it like today? And also are you do you have a relationship with God today or to that ever come back.

Oh yes. Yes it do came back. Over time. I think one of the things that is very important, in my healing was to realize that there was not anything wrong with me. And that's the message that I really want to get out. When you suffer a loss like that. it's not that there's anything wrong with you. It is that it is painful. And you are supposed to cry, and you are supposed to seek ways to get relief from, you know, the things that are kind of torturing you because the pain stays and you learn after a while. I learned after a while how to integrate it into my life. And I did that through, a series of I had certain teachers, I worked, yeah. You know, I'm a yoga teacher, and, you know, I did a lot of studying of the other religious texts. and I found meditation to be very helpful, but not right away. I had to come to grips with my higher power. I had to start opening up a window for me to not be hating him so much.

I had to start to communicate a little bit with the idea and the understanding that there might be something greater than myself and maybe he had a reason for doing what happened. Okay, I had to give up some of my sense of, almost self righteous like I was going to be able to solve everything. I was in school, I was working in medicine.

I should have saved him. I had to drop some of that stuff, and, I had to come to grips with the fact that I am not, you know, my higher power. There's something above me that's just helping me to breathe and think and, you know, get through each day. And it came slowly, but it came with help. I sought out people that were, people that believed in me that were kind or loving people that could support me. And I hung around with them. And, it made a big difference because I wasn't afraid to talk about the stuff, which I had never nobody in my family ever talked about this stuff. Nobody. And, it took a long, long time before I had the courage to do it.

You know, what's wonderful is what I'm thinking while I'm talking to you. And I'm. I'm looking at your book, which I'm going to show our audience soon. Is that You what may not have to happen to the people looking at this is you. You learned how to grieve and get over it. But it took many years. And you see tell and hopefully, you know, I don't know. But say it for instance, it was 20 or 30 years you suffered before you got help. I don't know that. But now people can listen to this podcast and say, okay, let me hear Cathy's experience and maybe I can get help sooner, seek help sooner, and not suffer as long as I did. Was is there is there any like, survivor's guilt or, you know. Is like that is, There's always survivor's guilt. And you have to kind of take that apart a little bit and start to, you know, determine really how much of it was my responsibility. You know, when it came right down to what I had to get to know myself better, I had to get to see, you know, what was real and what was, You know, just something that I had grown up to think was true. And, you know, it's. I took a lot of blame for that. I also blamed my father for that. And, I did that for many years. But once I started to get healthy, And the pain lessened over time. it's always there, but it lessened over time. And I have an a place now when I can actually be grateful For the time that I did have with my brother. And I still have those great memories. That's the message that I want to give out, is that.

Grief is something that we as a human emotion. I hope when I die somebody's sad, you know? And I think it's a beautiful celebration of that life. Yeah. And it takes a long time to go through it. And you just have to know that up front, because I thought I was going to be done with it in like a month.

And, off course, I was quite young when it happened, so I didn't know. But all those years afterwards, I kept saying to myself, something's wrong with you, Cathy, you can't get over this. What's wrong with you? You're scarred for life. You got something wrong with you. And I started to pull away from people, isolate and, kind of retract into myself and, you know, work, work, work. I had a family, so I could always hide in that. But, I found that was the crucial thing is recognizing that I myself needed to make some changes and needed to grow and to learn more things about dysfunctional families, for instance, about my brother, even that I didn't know. And, that kind of over time, just kind of Allow me to be with it. And kind of accept it. I wasn't the person that could affect a change there.

Right. What do you what do you think was the writing the book? Do you think that was, healing for you? You know, I don't think so. It was pretty grueling, actually. And because this was all such a secret topic, you know, it was something that was taboo in my day. And people want committing suicide, especially not in my town anyway. And, it became something that I needed to write about, but I never, never thought I was going to publish it until recent years. And when I started to see how big of a problem was, have become. How many people are suffering because of that? And I just Imagine that they will going through the same thing that I was going through, and thinking that they weren't going to make it. And that's the way I felt. I'm not going to make and I'm not going to be normal when this is over.

Yeah, Well, I do want to introduce the book, so let's take a moment to do that. So the book is called Those Left Up Behind of My Brother's Suicide. Now this book can be purchased at, my bookstore choices. It could also be purchased on Amazon. It's a fantastic read. it's a short read. You'll get through it in a in a day or two, tops. And, I highly recommend it. I enjoyed it, I did it in one sitting. okay. So what type of work you currently doing? What are you still writing? Books. What? What do you do now?

Well, I actually am an artist now. Okay. And, I, you know, I just did publish this book recently, so I took it, took a bit of time, and I, go to art school and, I'm a teaching assistant there. I'm retired from my medical job, and I'm trying to. And I have learned to these things that that I do now, my meditation practice, my yoga, these are the things that keep me, Strong. Keep me safe. Keep me content. Yeah. And I stay with my gratitude every day. Yeah, yeah. I do a daily reading, I meditate, I do so much to keep the frame of mind that I have, and I need to do it on a daily basis. Otherwise I'll lose it. That's great. Let me ask you this, will be wrapping things up soon. So let me ask you, what would your parting thoughts be for those who are out there going through a similar situation as you, what can we say that helped them heal and begin their own journey? What would you suggest?

I would suggest don't be afraid to be yourself. It is authentic to grieve. It's real. Sadness is real and it's a beautiful emotion. Once you get past the horror of it, it's an emotion that you can use to deepen your own practice, to expand your own life, and to help others It can be an offering in a way, instead of being something negative. Blaming yourself. You're punishing yourself for not. Getting over it. You are judging yourself. These things happen. You have to let go of. And while you're in the process, it's not going to come a day. And a time where everything is done. It's part of you now. And you're okay with it. It's okay. You'll be okay.

It was great. That was great. And I. I just want to tell our people out there, if anybody would like to talk to Cathy, just contact us and. And we'll make that happen. I want to thank you so much. You are wonderful. Guest on a very tough subject. Yes, Thank you! And, I'll see you around campus. I'll see you in the store. And, you take care of yourself. And thank you for doing. Thank you so much for having me on. It's been a blessing. All right. Bye Bye