Episode 34:The Art of Radical Self-Love: A Conversation with Mary Joosten Lopata

Join us for an inspiring conversation with Mary Joosten Lopata, a holistic registered nurse, health coach, and author of The Art of Radical Self-Love. Mary shares her journey of healing, the power of self-love, and practical steps to cultivate inner wellness. Discover how radical self-love can transform your life and why it’s essential for mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Don’t miss this powerful discussion on Choices, Books, and Gifts!

 

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Podcast Transcript:

Hello world and welcome to Choices, Books and Gifts, where you always have choices. My name is Jay Depaolo owner of Choices Books and Gifts in New York City as a store dedicated to health, wellness and recovery community. For over 30 years, I am the host of our podcast. You always have choices where we dive deep into stories of transformation, healing, and personal growth.

So I am very happy to, introduce you to, Mary Joosten Lopata. And what I'm going to do first is read a little bio so you know, a little bit more about her. And then we're going to go into a set of questions for Mary to answer. So today we welcome Mary Joosten Lopata, a holistic registered nurse, health coach and author who joins us to share her journey and insights.

Mary has over 30 years working in health care. She holds a master's in Humanities, is a certified hypnotherapist and a Reiki Master. She brings a deeply personal perspective to healing as a mother, step mother, grandmother, and twice widowed woman. She continues to give back to her community as a hospice volunteer in Southern California. Mary's mission is to help others reconnect with their inner healer.

She's here to discuss her book, the Art of radical Self-love, and share wisdom to empower others on their healing journey. Welcome, Mary. Thank you. And a lovely intro. Well, it's all you so what's, All right, so as I said, we've done the introductions, so I'm going to go into the questions and, Here we go.

Okay. Here's question one. What inspired you to write the Art of radical Self-love? Was there a pivotal moment in your life that sparked this journey?

I wrote the book, as a payback or pay forward for the gratitude that I felt for being well again? The pivotal point was when the second biopsy came through and said no cancer detected.

I felt that I had put into action in my life what I had been preaching to my clients for years, but it was very personal this time, and it worked for me. And it's different when it's theory than when it's personal. And so that's what made me sit down to write the book. Good. I'm so glad and happy that you are healthy and with us today. Me too.

Question two. How do you define radical self-love and how does it differ from self-care or self-esteem?

Radical means, going back to the source and the source of radical self-love is, unconditional love, which is the source of all love. Self esteem. More has to do with, attitudes, and self-care has more to do with, behaviors.

And they both come out of the wholeness of self-love, which connects with our very being this.

Excellent. Excellent. Thank you. What are some of the most common misconceptions people have about self-love, and how does your book address them? I think the misconception about self-love is that people think it's narcissism or it's self-absorption, and it's the opposite because we're all connected.

What you do for yourself, you do for others. I ask the readers to consider the concept of sacred selfishness in the book, which is, love and respect for ourselves. And, there's a Greek word I think is pronounced philautia which translates to self-love, which means unconditional self-acceptance with empathy and appreciation for oneself. And, if somebody practices that if you come from a place of love, then, you're in the undivided consciousness.

I'm getting a little metaphysical, like I apologize, but, what you do for one, you do for all. So, it's actually altruistic. It makes perfect sense to me. Oh, good.

How can someone begin the journey of radical self-love if they have never practiced it before? How would you get involved with.

I think, you do listen to the voice within that. That small voice within.

Because you're connecting with the healer within. And, once you get to that point, it's  an experience. It's different to language. It's difficult to language. It, you need to make time for your wellness, because if you don't make time for your wellness, you will be forced to make time for your illness.

And it's the same amount of time. And so you can do, practical, behaviors and actions that will reinforce this in the course of your day. I love that analogy. Absolutely love it. That was a great analogy.

As a nurse, how did your career shape your understanding of the need for self-love? In nursing? Patients often see themselves, as a victim because of their illness or their injury.

And, they expect all of the help to come from outside of themselves. And all healing is self-healing. Basically, what physicians and health care workers are doing is creating the conditions for the body to heal itself. Like the body wants to go back to homeostasis, which is balanced in all areas, and holistic health care. It's spiritual, mental and physical balance.

And they need to, they need to take responsibility. They have free will. They have choices. And, if they have choices, there's no blame or shame involved in it. It's only how you think about the experience that makes it one way or the other. So you can change your thinking. You can change your mind. You can change the experience.

Agreed? Agreed 100%. You know, we can only blame others for so long until we need to learn how to take responsibility ourselves. So I hear you. Can you share a personal story from your life that highlights the transformative power of radical self-love?

 You know, the whole book is my story. we got to buy the book.

That's what the book. The after that one. Yeah. All right, all right. And that's a good answer.

What role does forgiveness, either of oneself or others play in the practice of self-love? Self-love, is like the pinnacle. It and, it rests on the two blocks of forgiveness and gratitude. If you have forgiveness, gratitude and love in your life, you're probably on the right track no matter what you're doing.

Radical self-love has to do with unconditional love, which, I have I have in the book another interesting concept which is that all forgiveness is self-forgiveness because we don't have dominion over others to judge them. So, we're basically forgiving ourselves for judging others. There's a cultural requirement if something is really obnoxious that you've done or some done something obnoxious to you or illegal.

But that comes out of the human need for judgment and, revenge sometimes. And so you need to, you need to think about all of, of forgiveness, being self forgiveness because you only have control over yourself. You don't have control over the behavior of others, so you don't have a right to judge them either. You don't have them in.

You don't know their story. I've always said I don't want to judge others and I don't want to be judged. Well, it's, if you have unconditional love, there is no judgment. Because judgment is a human quality. And unconditional love is divine. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful, beautiful. Your book offers strategies for cultivating self-love. Can you share 1 or 2 exercises or practices that listeners can start to today?

Well, my own practice when I first wake up is to say thank you. There's a saying that if, the only prayer you ever say is thank you. That's enough. And I meditate, and then I do something that, people find very uncomfortable, but I suggest they do it. And you get up and you look into the mirror and you say, I love you ten times.

It's hard for people to do that. But, if you get in the habit of telling yourself you love it and then you can go in and maybe something like the Hawaiian ho opponent. Pono. Pono? Ho'oponopono It's. You. Tell yourself I love you. I forgive you. Thank you. To yourself. And It’s easy. Other exercises, are you the breathing exercises and stuff like that that are in the book?

And I think those are those are easy things that you can do in the morning to start the day off, right? Yeah. Well, I'm a lot like you. So, I wake up, I pray, and then I meditate for 20 minutes. All right. The I love you part, but I will tomorrow morning. Look yourself in the eye, in the mirror and say, I love you. Ten times. I love you, I love you, all right? I do it. You have my word. I'm going to do it. Thank you. I like the book to be useful. Absolutely. How can people balance self-love with external responsibilities, such as caregiving or demanding careers?

Well, there's a saying that if you're in a hurry, you should slow down. And if you're going to worry, you should stop.

The first thing to do, I when you need to pay attention. And if you notice this is happening. I think breathing exercise is the best thing. Maybe the box breathing where it's for in.

Hold it for four. Exhale for four. Pause for four. I think that kind of resets everything. You know, you always have a choice of what to think. Okay. And If you think positive attitudes and affirmations, you can turn it around. If you pay attention and notice, it's hard to say that, you should think mindfully. But, you know, if you change how you're thinking, you'll you'll change everything.

Yeah, yeah, I agree. You can. I even used to tell people, you know, if you're having a bad day or a tough day just restarted at any time until you still, you know, positive things. And what you tell yourself is usually, in my experience, what it turns into.

So know it's  self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What advice do you have for someone who struggles with negative self-talk or feels unworthy of self love?

Well, I think that they should stop comparing themselves to anybody else. You are a unique being. On any given time and any behavior. You are doing the best that you can because you are the only you there is. Cut yourself some slack. Yeah. No. If, if you have the negative self-talk and you pay attention, you can turn it around. You always have the option you have. Like, you always have an alternative. You're never locked into anything about the only thing we have control over is our thoughts. And so if you control your thoughts well, there's a saying that you need to control your subconscious or somebody else will do it for you.

That's for sure. And so empower yourself. That's it. That's the whole, message of the book. You were born with this power. Take it back. Okay. Beautiful, beautiful. How does radical self-love intersect with physical and mental health? A radical self-love is, based on holistic principles. And holistic principles are spirit, mind, body. Normal. Contemporary medicine is only mind body medicine.

And they think that they're making great strides with that, but they leave the spirit out. And, you can't leave the spirit out because that's my belief system. I operate from the premise that the, the force that animates the body is the force that heals the body. So you can't leave that life force, out of the mental or physical healing.

It's all connected. Just like we're all connected. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. In a world that often emphasizes productivity and perfection. How can people create space for self-compassion and acceptance?

You know, my grandmother used to say, why is there never time to do it right and always time to do it over? You don't have to wait for something terrible to happen for you to start taking care of your health. And in your life in general.

Radical self-love. You can just incorporate behaviors into your life that reinforce it. I mean, you have to breathe anyway. You have to think anyway. You can be mindful about how you're doing it and, and pay attention to what's going on. You need to, to eat properly. And that is the normal things move around.

Laugh. Laughter is really important. I was really inspired in my recovery by, Norman Cousins. Classic book on how he used laughter to heal himself from, an incurable disease. And I don't think people I don't think people pay enough attention to laughter.

I agree with that one wholeheartedly. Let me ask you, Do you have a copy of the book in your house there?

I do, can you hold it up so people can, just like that? Perfect. You know, the art of radical self-love. This is the book. This is what it looks like. And where can we purchase this book? It's available wherever books are sold, but probably by order.

It's not a bookstores don't have it on the shelf. Not a whole lot of them do anyway. Okay, so, like, the, the usual Amazon things of that  nature Amazon, Barnes and Noble, any independent bookstore can order for you, too. Okay, great. Excellent, excellent. Thank you.

Next question. What role does community or connection with others play in fostering of love?

It is really important. We are not designed to be in isolation. Like John Donne said, you know, no man is an island entire of itself. Radical self-love, is you know, that Marianne Williamson had a wonderful saying in one of her books where she said, our job as human beings is to love the world back to health.

And, in my view. Well, yes, we have to love the world back to health. We have to do it by loving one person at a time, starting with ourselves and, community. It seems say self-love is good for community, but the best place to start taking care of other people is to take care of yourself first.

You put the oxygen mask on yourself before you try to help others. And, it's, and it's also important to be in community because there you can be a recipient of other people's loved. It is difficult, for a lot of people like me as a caregiver. It's difficult for a caregiver to be a care receiver, too.

That was another lesson that I learned in my in my on this journey, is that I had to allow other people to take care of me. Yeah. Yes. Excellent. Excellent. What has been the most challenging part of your personal journey with radical self-love? And how did you overcome it?

I think that the most difficult part was being so self disclosing about something that's so very personal because, it's kind of your  out there and, as a nurse and a coach, I was telling people how to do stuff based on stories from other people.

And this is I did what I told other people to do, and it was successful. And it's almost like the light bulb goes off and it says in is scary because it might not work for everybody, but that's their story. I want to share my story so that they can have, they can have value from my experience.

You have to tell your story to tell us about time to tell it. It might. Know that sacrificing your experience, your or all of your knowledge and life experiences has brought us to this point where you do have things that people want to hear, understand, and learn from. So I thank you for that. Now you're most welcome.

Next question. What surprising insights did you discover while writing the book that you did not expect to uncover?

Well, in writing the book and getting it published, I was having some other life challenges, going on. My late husband had, gotten ill and, in the whole book, I he passed away, and I did not realize that , the precepts in the book, the things to do apply to grief also because grief is, like love that has nowhere to go.

And so, it's difficult to, to incorporate that when you're talking about, self-love. But when you feel like part of yourself is gone. Yeah. Yeah. But it remarkably, it got me through, a difficult time reminding myself the book is a primer for people who don't know about this, and a refresher for people who do.

And so, I was, I used it, as a refresher. And it applies it applies in, in a grief situation also because you have to you have to be gentle with yourself and you have to keep on going,even though, part of you is missing or, or part of your life is just completely changed.

It was difficult to read the chapter on change. Because that was just dealing with stuff that you, you have no control over. Because control is an illusion anyway. Well, and trying to deal with, how to how to get through that. It's a it's a continuum. It's an ongoing journey. Yeah. But I'm, I'm very grateful that, I have a I have a supportive community.

I can laugh; I made myself laugh. I sat down and watch Monty Python and things continually to make myself laugh. You have to be able to, to put things in perspective. This is this is a life is a group of experiences. And, and we've probably chosen them for ourselves. I had a wonderful saying, and I don't know who said it, and I wish I could give them credit for it, but.

Yeah, it was the, I think the purpose of wellness is not just staying alive. It's staying in love. love it. Love it. And, I understand you. You know, there's so much we all experience grief in the world. I'm so glad. I know that certainly from your past. You understand grief. I'm so glad that the book covers some of that, because grief is one of the most difficult things we can do to get through.

So, let me ask you this last question. That is, there as I may be putting the pressure on you, is there any. Is there any thought idea or something you'd like to tell your listeners? Any thought at all? I would like people to realize that they are born with the gift to heal. There is a physician within.

You can access the physician within, any time. You just have to ask and then you have to accept it. You don't tell the universe how to get from point A to point B, you just say, I'm at point A, I want to be at point B, and then you surrender, which is, is difficult, but you have to have faith.

And in my particular case, I am a right now, I am a walking example that it really does work. The stuff works. You do it. It takes action. You can't go on autopilot. It you have to have a daily practice. And it's and that's very important because, from another standpoint, addiction lies to you in your own voice.

And so you have to, you have to tell your voice that, I know what the truth is for me. And it doesn't matter what the truth is for anybody else. I know what the truth is for me, because I have that. I have that wisdom inside of me that it was a gift that I came with, and I have the right to use it, and I'm worthy of it.

And that's the truth that is the truth. And I you know, I have my little, things that I do each and every day. And this will be going what's keeps me in the state of mind that I'm in where, you know, I'm basically pretty happy. And life is good and it's because of I'm a seeker like yourself.

If a challenge comes up, I try not to live in the challenge. I try to live in the solution. Yes. And you've covered a lot of that with radical self-love. Well, we are. We're on a path. That is. It's a continuum. We don't. It's the journey. It's not. It's not the destination. So sometimes we are a seeker.

Sometimes we're a pathfinder. Sometimes we are a wisdom keeper. It just goes back and forth and back and forth, and it's wonderful. I, I find, new insights into life from everybody I meet every day. That's fantastic. Mary. First, I want to just say thank you. Thank you for the book. Thank you for your knowledge. Thank you for your time that you spent with us.

Just going to read a little closing statement, and then  I'll talk with you for a moment. So.

And with that, we will wrap up the episode of choices. Remember that life is a series of decisions that shape our journey. I hope our time together was inspiring and motivating. Stay in power. Stay well and remember, you always have choices. Peace and blessings. See you next week.