Episode 32: Leda Mitrofanis: Exploring Self-Love with Leda Mitrofanis

Join us in this enriching episode of "Choices, Books, and Gifts" as Leda Mitrofanis dives into her second book, Self-Love: The Journey Home. Discover the transformative path to self-love and learn the difference between authentic self-love and false ego-driven behaviors.

Her website: www.simplyleda.com

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Podcast Transcript:

Hello world, and welcome to Choices, books and Gifts, where you always have choices. This is our weekly podcast, and we're very blessed to have Leda Mitrofanis back again. She will discuss a little bit about her second book and her ideas and where we'll learn some good stuff today. So, I will give you a little insight into Leda.

 So, she's been on before, but I'd like to try reintroducing her. So Leda Mitrofanis is an insightful author and thought, though a leader in personal growth and self-discovery. Her Human Case of Mistaken Identity series explores identity, self-perception, and the journey towards self-love. Her first book, Me, Me, and I, examines how our experiences shape and sometimes distort our sense of self.

 In her second book, Self Love, the Journey Home, Leda guides readers on a transformative path to embracing self-compassion and finding a sense of home within themselves. With a background in psychology and a commitment to empowering others, Leda’s work offers practical wisdom to help leaders cultivate authentic self-love and unlock their true identities. Fantastic. Good afternoon. It's not morning, so I have to say good afternoon.

Good afternoon. Thank you for having me back. It's nice to be here. So lovely to see you again. Happy New Year. Happy New Year.  I hope all our people out there had a good holiday. And I do agree. We loved having you the first time. And that's why you're back again. You're not. Yes. Wonderful. And we love having you.

 So, I will jump right into it if that's okay. We'll start. Yeah, I think, I don't know if you mentioned it. I missed that today we will discuss self-love versus false ego love. Perfect, perfect. I think it may be even in the first question. Here we go. Why do you think self-love often gets entangled with ego-driven behaviour?

Because humanity lives externally as opposed to internally. This means we constantly seek outside ourselves for how to live, think, and believe. And this, unfortunately, has become our norm. As such, when we do this, we put ourselves in the position of true powerlessness because our decisions become based on external validation and conformity to what's happening outside of us instead of internally.

Okay. So, we have to learn the inside to be able to do this. That's the most critical part because many of us internalize ourselves incorrectly. Correct. Okay. How does self-love, the Journey home, set the foundation for understanding the difference between self-love and false ego?

So, the book begins by defining the structure of the ego, the false ego, and the true self.

And it is crucial to understand how this trifecta works in more relatable terms. So that the reader can be empowered and apply the knowledge at any given moment. Know where they are in this trifecta. Then, once the book covers that, it moves into a detailed explanation of self-love versus false ego. Love.

Beautiful, beautiful. In your view? How has our modern culture blurred the lines between genuine self-love and ego Love?

Okay, so as we said before since humanity primarily lives a predominantly external existence, we have then distorted the definition of self-love into one that reflects this external existence, meaning that our sense of value has now become determined by our external parameters, the things we attain, the things that we do.

And it's become more materialistic in nature. Genuine self-love, on the contrary, is derived from us, from an inner space of authenticity and our true self.

Okay. Beautiful, beautiful. I'm learning so much. Can you describe the characteristics of authentic self-love? What does it feel or look like in practice?

So, there are five fundamental components of self-love, as described in the book.

And they are radical honesty, self-knowledge, and acknowledgement. Radical self-acceptance. Self-trust and self-forgiveness. And if you notice, all of these begin with the word self. I would say that it starts and is cultivated from within us. Self-love is an inside job. Period. Full stop. And the book goes into each one of the components in detail.

So that you can understand what it is and how to apply it.

It just sounds so. It makes so much sense that, you know, everything is from in us. And I know, me included, sometimes I live out in the perimeter and not inside here where I should be.

Well, because we're conditioned, right? We're conditioned to live outside of ourselves.

Yeah, yeah. With everything. My whole life, from the movies I've watched to the friends I've had, everything is about the ego out there and very little about, you know, in here, the self-love that I need to learn. So, thank you.

How does true self-love support personal growth and emotional well-being?

So, self-love is how we perceive, value and honour ourselves despite our faults and shortcomings. Using the five fundamental core topics I talk about sets off an inward process of rediscovering ourselves by ourselves and examining our belief systems. Our self-perceptions, our patterns, our behaviours. And it starts to answer the why question. So why do I do this? Why do I do that when it doesn't even work for me?

So, we are, in essence, self-examining or reexamining our identity. This moves us into an understanding on a deeper level that we're spiritual beings having a temporary physical existence and not the other way around. And this understanding shifts everything. I like it.

It shifts the full direction in which we operate. We have started to operate from in-out as opposed to out-in. If that makes sense, right? Yes. No. Because the majority of my life, trust me, has been out. In. Right. In. Out. Right, right

 Is self-love something we discover, develop or both?

It's both because as we move in the process, we realize that we already have on the soul level, self-love is already there. It's learning to allow it to become the guiding force in our human lives.

Beautiful. Okay. How do we define false ego? What are some telltale signs we are operating from a false ego?

So, a false ego is when we identify only with our human material existence, and it's based on this one-dimensional concept that we create about ourselves during our lifetime.

 It's, in essence, an inaccurate composite of the self, which is derived from our wounding, our traumas, and our emotional damage, which is, in essence, our shadow side. And this lies just beneath the ego. So, for example, some telltale signs can be when you pump yourself up with attributes you don't possess and don't truly believe you have. Right. It could also be when trying to convince yourself that you are your self-created, idealized self-image.

 Right? It's also when you give false lip service to yourself and others, creating a false persona that doesn't exist.

You know, that's just fantastic. In my 20s and 30s, I went to a bar and tried to meet somebody. I was a restaurant owner then, but that wasn't good enough.

I used to say, no, no, I, I test race cars for people. I would lie if you asked if I had a hot dog and you asked me what I ate. I said it was pizza. Nothing was, you know, I just had to lie about everything. Yeah. Nothing was good enough. Perfect. And the truth is, it's not just that we don't feel good enough.

We feel that our truth isn't good enough. The truth of who we are. We must be something else to be loved, liked, and valued.

Very cool, very cool.

How does false ego love attempt to mask the deeper insecurities and fears?

Well, based on some telltale signs we were just talking about, right?

So, when those are in play, we're essentially trying to mask what we perceive to be our flaws and our insecurities. Right. Then, the degree to which we do this is directly correlated to the level of fear of our exposure.

 So, the greater the fear, the greater the mask. Absolutely. And I had a lot of fear

I really did. Jay, You're really so funny.

All right, number nine, can you explain why self-love thrives independently instead of false ego? Love, which is based on external validation?

 So, as we said, I mentioned briefly before self-love is living from an inner to an outward direction. Where is false ego? Love is living from the outward to the inward.

Inward and self-love reflect our true selves, core being, and essence. Therefore, it doesn't require any external validation. Right.

 It doesn't require external validation for our self-perception because we derive it from our spiritual identity. When we're in self-love.

Beautiful. All right.

How does understanding the difference between self-love and ego love change how we show up in a relationship?

That's a great question. This is where I need help. That's a great question. And that's a great question because a lot of tension works in relationships. We don't think about the perspective we come from because we're expecting other people to do things for us. Right? So, it defines how we enter a relationship.

And we must remember when a person comes into a relationship that practises self-love and its five fundamentals, right? To some degree, they go into the relationship with a desire to create and build, live in the present moment, and allow for full acceptance of the other person without judgment or criticism or the need to have the other person change.

 Right. So, forcing ego right has all kinds of needs and requirements, and it's a form of manipulation and control, really, in essence, because we need to feel safe. So, it doesn't allow for a deeper connection where vulnerability is required and necessary for building intimacy. So, the ego and the false ego, like many times, I would go out with somebody, and the slightest thing could be wrong with them.

 They would. They didn't like a pair of shoes. I didn't want their shoes. And I would never call them again. Is that not really what we're talking about here, or is that involved with what we're talking about here?

 So that is just an excuse. Right. So, when someone comes into a relationship and nitpicks at some real details about someone else, what could be masking behind that is an inability to really want to be in a relationship.

Like you want to go out. You want to build a connection. You want to have some fun, but you have this wall up that you don't want to move past. Absolutely. So, you kind of keep it at a distance. So, we make up excuses for not moving forward with somebody for whatever reason. Right.

Thank you for that. Yeah.

Can false ego love coexist with self-love, or is it necessary to confront and dissolve the ego first?

That's actually a good question. And both happened simultaneously. And it happens over time. Remember, building self-love is not something you'll do in 30 days unless you know how I feel about those 30 days or less concepts.

I can tell you they don't work. They don't work, right? They're, they're very misleading. But five, as you work with those five fundamental components and understand them and apply them in your life, your life and sense of self-love will begin to expand. And as it grows, your full ego love will diminish as a byproduct.

You do not have to do anything to diminish it, per se, because when you're working with the five components, you're shifting your focus to, okay, where am I in self-trust? Where am I in self-forgiveness? Am I being radically honest with myself, to myself, about myself? Right. And when you start building that, the false ego gets crowded out.

I like it. If you do the work, the results will come, right? Probably even before you even realize it. Right, That’s Fantastic.

Next, I'm going to start with practical tools and advice. Okay? And what practices or tools can people use to discern whether they're acting out of self-love or ego love?

 So, the most effective tool, I believe, is the practice of observation and discernment.

And what that does is it requires us to move into a neutral state and observe ourselves as if we were an impartial witness. The neutral state fosters a sense of clarity and discernment so that we can see what's genuinely happening without our emotional triggers and responses kicking in. Okay. Right. And then because of the false ego, really what it does is it, you know, that's where our wounds, our heart are harbored.

And inevitably, they have to come up for healing, right? So, we can very quickly when they're we're in circumstances they can be very easily triggered. So, we have to suspend that moment where we have to not respond and not allow that reaction to take over so that we can just give ourselves that space. So, that space is long enough for us to choose our response and move into a state of neutrality.

So, then we can observe our behaviour and say, oh, okay, here's where I'm just emotionally triggered. Right. What's going on?

Perfect

How can listeners shift from ego-driven love to genuine self-love daily?

That's also a good question. This circles back to the beginning when we discussed the false ego, ego and authentic self-paradigm.

So, the true self is our eternal spiritual being, right? We are right that it is the epicentre and the sum of everything. And our first ego, as we said before, is our identification only with our human material existence.

Our ego is the crossroad between the two. It resides in our mind, and it's in a constant state of recalibration or calibrating which of the two to constantly follow. And it is in this space where our free choice resides. So when we understand this little paradigm and know how it operates, we can spot it and say, okay, my ego as an ego is not a bad thing.

That's the space. That's the neutral space where I have to decide: will I be my authentic self in this situation, or will I come from my place of wounds and traumas and be something I'm not? Which is the false ego?

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Which is all those behaviours of jealousy and control, deception and manipulation, and things like that.

And as you said, it sounds like you go to a gym and work to change your body and muscles. You change your brain, and learning about this stuff helps you. Like there's a practice to it. And I guess you have to do it over and over and over again until you can understand it and see it. Yeah, education.

Right. And this is how we can really empower ourselves. Because when you understand how this paradigm works, you can quickly start to figure out how you're behaving when you're in your false ego and how you really are. If you really embrace your true self and your authenticity that we're often so afraid to show to the world.

 Yeah, and to ourselves.

 Alright. Let me ask you this. So, someone is just starting that journey of self-love. What advice would you offer to help them avoid falling into the trap of false ego love?

The book offers a whole chapter on different advice and techniques, but I think the best way to sum it up is to remember that you are not at the effect of life. Life does not happen to you. It actually happens through you.

 And your job is to know yourself. And I say that in quotes, right? So that you may consciously steer the wheel.

I love it, right? I love it because everything I've ever read begins here.

It all begins here. All begins here.

That's just fantastic. Well, you know, I always like to ask you different things. So, how can we leave our listeners with some positivity and goodness, even though I don't know how they couldn't have got that from you know, you just teaching us what you did, but is there any one thing you feel we should?

A really good thing to remember is that saying is within, so without so when, whatever your internal environment is, your perceptions, thoughts, and actions determine term internal circumstances.

And a lot of that happens subconsciously. But the gift is that we have control over that. Okay. Right. We create that. We just don't realize we're creating it because our normal conditioning has become so ingrained that we don't think about how and what we think all day.

What are we doing, how are we behaving, and where is that behaviour coming from? So, the gift is that you can shift your entire life when you go within. And I'm not saying the work is, you know, super easy. And it's going to happen in a minute. No, but the peace that comes in, the contentment and fulfilment.

So, living from a place of authenticity is unparalleled by any external validation from some material thing in your environment that will ever give you.

Beautiful, beautiful. I hope our listeners have enjoyed this as much as I have because I learn from you. And I want to just thank you again for coming to the show, and I hope we have you many more times.

I know other books are being written that we can even talk about before they're actually in publication. That's True. How do we get to do things like that? And I look forward to it. I love coming on, chatting with you, and getting into the nitty-gritty of it. Absolutely. And you do, so that's terrific. All right.

 World. So, that ends this podcast for today. I want to say thank you for tuning in and

God bless you. Stay warm. It is freezing in New York City. And we'll see you in a week. You can probably look for Leda’s podcast next Tuesday. All right. Thank you all and have a wonderful day. Bye. Thank you.