Episode 26:Transform Fear Into Power: Insights from Dennis Merritt Jones

Author Dennis Merritt Jones discusses how to transform fear into a powerful teacher, offering insights on embracing fear, mindfulness, and personal growth from his book When Fear Speaks, Listen.

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Hello world, and welcome to Choices, Books and Gifts, where you always have choices. Today's guest is an author. He's written a plethora of books. They're all fantastic. We're going to go over one in particular today. And. Then we're going to ask him some questions. I will read a bio so you understand more about Dennis and who we're dealing with.

So, I'm going to read that bio now, folks. Dennis Merritt Jones is a sought-after author, speaker, and spiritual mentor with over 30 years of experience exploring mindfulness, self-awareness, and personal growth. His teachings focus on the Art of living, intentionally embracing the present moment and discovering inner peace amidst the challenges of modern life.

He is the author of several books, including The Art of Uncertainty, the Art of Being, and When Fear Speaks. Listen. The seventh message is of Fear, which guides readers toward a deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them. Dennis empowers individuals to face fear, cultivate mindfulness, and live a more spiritually aligned and fulfilling life through his work. His approach blends ancient wisdom with practical tools for everyday living. Offering insights into how to thrive in a fast-paced, ever-changing world.

You can always go to Dennis Merritt jones.com. You can learn more about this wonderful man and see all his other books there. We're hoping to do a series with Dennis where we cover all seven of his books.

All right. I have to say good morning to this wonderful author. How are you, sir?

Hi, my friend, I’m good. Thank you for having me on your program. Absolutely. It is our pleasure to have you on our program. So, if you don't mind, Dennis, I'd like to go right into some questions. Is that cool? Sure. Fire away. All right.

So, number one, what inspired you to write When Fear Speaks? Listen and explore fear as a messenger rather than an enemy.

But you know, Jay. I had no plans to write this book. It's like an accumulation of all my other books, my lifestyle and how my life unfolded over the last 75 years.

I wrote the book and knew it was important to write when I got the idea because I wrote a book in 90 days. That's very fast. It usually takes a year to write a book. And I was like, I couldn't type fast enough. The download was just there. And you know why? I realized this was my life story as I wrote the book.

Yeah, the book is not about my life story, although I include stories about my life. This fear has been one of the prominent issues in my life that I've had to deal with, and I've worked hard to learn how to

deal with it. What I came to realize is. Yeah. Can Defeat Fear. Yeah. All God's creatures have god fear. And there is there for a reason. And then, you know, intelligence puts fear in all living creatures for a reason, and that's what the book is about: understanding that all fear if you can learn how to deal with it, you can use it as a catapult to move you to what's next, rather than let it defeat to pull you down.

Excellent, excellent. You know, and I think I mentioned this earlier while we were getting to know one another. Fear is one of the largest subjects we can cover because everyone has it. And you know, I know you'll talk about it not being debilitating. Still, it's so debilitating unless we learn how to deal with it.

Okay. Number two, sir, can you explain the concept of fear as a messenger and why it's essential to listen to fear rather than to avoid it? Yeah. Fear. I love the acronym of fear. You know, many people think you've heard the old acronym. False evidence appearing real, right? And then there's another one. Forget everything and run right, which is what most of us do.

And when anything scary pops up, we turn to spin, literally spinning on our heels. We run to the medicine cabinet, the liquor cabinet, the store, whatever it is, to avoid it. Right? So, the acronym I use now in this book is Face Everything and Rethink.

Oh, I like it. Face everything and rethink it. So, if fear pops up, you face it and die in it rather than run from it. In the book, I introduce the concept of learning how to dance with your fears, and the only way you can answer the concern is to bring it close and see it as a friend rather than an enemy. And you pull through close into you into your embrace.

And yet, whatever the fear you're going through, whisper as you're leaning forward; it's here. Teach me well, master teacher of this moment. What do I need to know about you so I can transcend you? And that's where most people don't. What they don't do is ask in that conversation about the fear because they're too scared of it.

But all fear has a message for us if we're willing to engage with it and listen to it. And as you know, there are a number of different messengers of fear who all wear different disguises. But at the end of the day, all fear boils down to the concern of the loss or death of something.

Yeah, I love it. And I love the following questions because we'll start to learn how to deal with them, which I think is the most important thing. Number three, what are the seven messages of fear you discuss in the book? And how did you identify these specific messages?

Well again. People experience a plethora of fears. I categorized it by the number of the top seven fears of my own experience in life. I determined that each fear has descendants or lingering characteristics different from the fear itself. But I'll explain that as I read them to you. Anger is the first fear; all fear is attached to a concern of loss or something.

So, anger pops up. You have to ask yourself, What am I fearful of now? The fear is the fear of losing control of something or someone. The descendants of fear are raged and reserved, and resentment rages outward. Expressive anger exploded, gone on steroids, and resentment is pointed inward where we internalize that fear. And both of those are very destructive.

The second is worried, and the second messenger is scared. And then, of course, who doesn't have worry in their lives? Right. What is worry? Does it cost us out of the present moment into the future, and worry has to send us anxiety and regret? Anxiety pushes you into the future and regrets attaching you to the past.

Living in fear of what you did or didn't do right or should have done or didn't do, we all shame ourselves. We're shooting ourselves all the time, and that's not healthy. And most of those are attached to regret or worry of some sort.

The third messenger of fear is judgment. Again, many people don't think of judgment as fear, but it is when we judge what we are doing. Or driving a wedge between ourselves and something or someone. Right. We're labelling something and setting the descendants of judgment or superiority, inferiority, and hate, and, you know, we see a lot of that going on in our culture right now.

It's one of the reasons I leaned on my publisher to get this book published sooner rather than later, with the elections coming up. There's a lot of energy of superiority, inferiority, hate, and judgment. And when we start to learn to categorize judgment as fear, we can transcend what we're judging and see it through new eyes. That's what the book is bringing to that conversation.

Fourth messenger. Selfishness. Fear of not enough self. And that spills over into many different areas of our lives. Ugly, jealousy, and envy are all aspects of the fear of selfishness. The fourth fear is shame. And I think we live in a shame-based culture. And I really delve into this in the book because I was raised in a shame-based home. So I really understand how shame can be so immobilizing and so crippling to our daily lives, as well as the longevity of what we're taking our lives. The descendants of shame or guilt, embarrassment and perfectionism.

Think about that guilt, embarrassment, and perfectionism. Perfectionism is one of the ways that we cover our shame. If I can just hold everything up and make it look perfect enough, nobody will see that I don't feel good about it. So, shame is a feeling of not being enough, right? In the book, I clarify the difference between shame and guilt. So, it helps people put it in context. Guilt is a feeling. You've made a mistake about something. Shame is a feeling or belief that you are a mistake. Think about that.

And if we live in a world where we believe we were a mistake, we shouldn't be here where we live by default, you know, a state that's crippling when we live in a place of, I'm not enough. Which is what shame is. How can we create enough of anything good with that belief system?

I was raised in the same base home, so I understand that concept very well. The sixth messenger is loneliness. People are afraid of being alone. That's why, in this chapter, I delineate the difference between aloneness and loneliness. Loneliness is a feeling of separation from everything else. Aloneness is feeling alone, and one in all, that's a concept that probably needs a little more discussion. We can go to the descendants of loneliness, vulnerability, and pride if you'd like. Pride separates us. So, sometimes, we isolate ourselves out of pride. Sometimes, it's because we're afraid. We're feeling vulnerable in our lives, in the world of relationships. And so we seclude ourselves. We go into loneliness, and that's unnecessary. We don't. There are ways we can learn to transcend loneliness by cherishing aloneness, which is why it's so wonderful to be alone. That's why meditation and mindfulness are so important.

The seventh message refers to uncertainty. I actually wrote a book on this called The Art of Uncertainty. Yep. Uncertainty is a huge fear because it's that fear that lives in us that is fearful of change. It lives on. Doubt thrives on doubt and procrastination. If we're uncertain, we will continue to put off things. Procrastination is a real for sleeping. So. In the book, I address each of the differences. Faces of fear. But at the end of the day, the one common element that all fear has is the concern of death or loss of something or someone.

And that was great. That was great. You know, as you were speaking, I was thinking of some of my own fears. And you know, how you said what I heard was play the tape all the way through. Why are you having that fear? What's starting is that it's a shame that you're going to. I mean, it could be I could lose my temper. It is as simple as playing pickleball. And the fear is shame. I'm not good enough.

Right. Exactly. Right. Yeah. And if we could see that at that moment, if you see that fear as a messenger if we're willing to pull it and close and dance with it and say, whisper, it's here. Tell me what I need to know about you to trust you. It will tell you. It will tell you not to defeat it. You can hear it going away. It's not supposed to go. It's. It's implanted in us for a reason. But it's for us to increase our ability to survive in the world with peace, inner peace and joy.

Yeah, yeah. All right. Here. All righty. How can people differentiate between irrational fear and fear that is generally trying to protect them? How can we tell the difference?

All fear is irrational if we let it wander away. If it's in our power to change something we fear, we should do it. We can do it if it's in our power to change something. If it's not, we must embrace it, accept it for what it is, and understand it.

The irrational fear doesn't have to have its way with us if we're willing to take it. For an Example. Well, yeah. I'm afraid of. Well, I live on the 15th story of a 30-story building. I don't lean over the balcony too far. What, because I'm fearful. I'm not afraid of it. But I could fall over, and that would be bad. That's an irrational fear, right? I'm getting in my elevator to go down safely.

I may fear closed spaces, but that's a fear I can control away. Being present, mindful, and open to realizing that I'm not alone. All right. The only thing is it isn't sometimes. Like you say, fear is reasonable, and looking over but not going over too far tells you yes, you can't go over too far. You got to sort of take it back

Because. Right. Yeah. And that's where self-awareness comes up. Yep. Aware awareness is, is that intelligence within us? It tells us, okay, lean over, but don't go too far; if we're aware and monitor our actions, thoughts, and beliefs, we can mitigate irrational fears and put them in a category by themselves.

Cool, cool. One of the messages of fear you mentioned is the fear of failure. How can someone use fear constructively rather than let it paralyze them? This is about perspective and perception. Okay, okay. Perspective is the angle at which we see something. Perception is the lens through which we interpret what we see, and when it comes to failure, you have to realize there's no such thing as failure.

I take a deep breath and tell people to freeze when I work with them in class. What's more, breathing anchors you to the present moment. But there's no such thing as failure. Think about it. If you fail at something, you're succeeding at failing at it. The universe is hardwired to help us grow in everything, including what we perceive as failure until we perceive it in a new light.

Does that make sense to you? Yeah, it's sort of like, I don't know. My father used to say this. He's the jokester and used to say, I'm a successful failure. Yeah, that's precisely why you're succeeding. If you're succeeding or failing, there's no such thing as an absolute failure. You're succeeding at one thing. Now, if you succeed, it is failing. You can also succeed in succeeding.

Good. Very, very good. What role does self-compassion play in listening to fear, and how can it transform one's relationship with fear?

Again, as I said earlier, Jay, all God's creatures have fear. Every living thing is hardwired to experience anxiety. There's a reason for it: reasonable fear, though, correct? Of course, it's there to help us survive and thrive, but we can't.

If we're experiencing fear, we condemn ourselves or feel self-critical because of that fear. When I allow ourselves to be teachable, one of the critical things in this book is that we must remain teachable and be open to new ideas, new input from those things, and abstract things we think. And some categories are as a fear.

That's so interesting because when I started my journey here, that was it. I was open to changing and looking at things differently because I was so close-minded; it was my way or the highway, and I suffered for that. I had to get over it, grasp the concepts you mentioned in the open, and look at it differently. You know, much differently

Being teachable is an art form. We have to learn how to get our egos out of the way. Yeah, yeah, egos do not. They want to think that we know everything, right? And the reality is when we think we know everything, we know nothing. Yeah, absolutely. The older I get and the more wisdom I get, the more I realize I know so little. So, allowing every experience we have to be teachers is essential. So, you know, whether it's failure or success or a fear of one nature thing or nature or another, we have to realize that what's in front of us is our teacher. If we perceive it as our teacher.

All right, all right, all right. How can you? Can you discuss the concept of the inner critic and how it connects to fear? How can we quiet this voice?

Again, and then circle back around the shame the inner critic comes from the shame of not being enough, not doing enough. You know, perfectionists are wonderful examples of people. And I hope anybody who's watching this is a perfectionist. Please hear this from the proper perspective. What I'm hearing is that it's not to put you down. It's to tell you that there's a belief somewhere inside you that says you're not enough. The way you are is you have to cover it over. And the inner critic is the CEO trying to keep us down, to keep us from being successful positively.

We have negative thoughts, and we push them out of our heads. I think I skipped one, so then I go back to one. You mentioned the fear of uncertainty is a significant messenger. So, how can individuals embrace uncertainty in their lives without being consumed by anxiety?

Again, I wrote a full book on uncertainty to address that issue. And I capitalize on it in this book, the fear book. What it comes down to is faith. You speak in my language. Suppose you don't have faith and some power greater than you. In that case, I don't read the book because the book circles around understanding the way to transcend every fear in our lives is by understanding there's something bigger, something larger in our lives that if we're willing to allow it to move into our lives in a way where we use it for guidance, for protection. It does

In your lifestyle, in yourself, what does spirituality mean? I mean, could it be different for everyone?

Yeah, sure it is. It's different for a lot of people. I think the important thing is to differentiate religion or religiosity from spirituality. Yeah. And I know this is a common thing. Spirituality, religion and religiosity separate people. The word religion comes from religion, which means to separate or divide. So, whereas spirituality is not about opinions, you're right, I'm wrong. Spirituality is simply practising the awareness of the presence of a higher power.

Yeah. Love it, love it. Very, very accurate. Many people face the fear of rejection. What strategies can help people navigate this fear in relationships and social settings? That's great. Yeah, it is. If we're living in fear of rejection, then maybe we're hanging out with the wrong people, or we can choose to perceive how the rejection affects us differently. We'll always suffer if we're attached to other people's approval and love. The fear will always loom negatively. Rejection is something that

You're going to be, you know, as an author. I learned that quick. You know, my first publisher told me, you know, I was telling her that I was upset because people were criticizing me. I posted some negative reviews on Amazon, and she said, "Honey, watch your analyses. The higher the monkey climbs up the flagpole, the more of his ass is exposed.

In other words, if you want to be a successful author and be, you know, seen by the world, you have to be willing to take the blows that come with it. There'll always be people who are the naysayers or the trolls who want to bring you down. Yes, and you have to learn that if you're defining yourself as enough because you know you were one or something larger than yourself. No criticism can ever dampen you through enthusiasm.

So, I like that rejection; we should reject it if someone is talking about us. Yeah. You know, we have to look at it differently and say, you know, you're welcome to your opinion, but it's not going to affect me.

Yes, my friend, her coworker, wrote a book called What You Think of Me is None of My Business. Yeah, I know it.

How can someone identify the hidden wisdom behind the fears? What steps can we take to integrate the knowledge into their decision-making process? Well, there's an acronym I use: ABC awareness builds consciousness. Awareness is the gift that, you know, God gave us: the ability to think of thought, Think about this. What are the living creatures on the planet?

You can think of a thought, then experience a feeling, step outside of the thought, and analyze it. Yeah, to look at it, just products. Touch, smell, taste, and see if it works for us. If not, discard it. No other creature can do that, but we can't. Awareness. Self-awareness is really the practice of understanding the wisdom that lives within us, which can be accessed if we're willing to look at the thoughts or feelings that we're having and realize that there's something bigger behind it.

Yeah, yeah, I love it. Love it. Number 11, you mentioned that fear can sometimes signal growth. How can individuals tell when their fear is a sign of progress rather than a warning to retreat?

That's, again, their emotional awareness is enormous. That's why. That's why even intelligence imbues us with emotional awareness. So, we can. Our bodies are messengers.

What's going on in our minds that we're willing to pay attention to? Our emotions will be realized if stimulated by something manageable or irrational and moving. The big question when I work with my mentoring clients is that they say they don't feel like they're just moving forward enough. I ask them this question: Do you feel like you're further ahead, and what's the direction you want to go in today compared to a week ago? Yeah. Measurable results are what is key. If you feel like you're moving forward in that regard, if your life is just 1% better than it was a week or month ago, and you move in the right direction,

Right, I love it. You know, it sounds like you're saying live in the moment. Don't go here to the future of the past. Live right here, define it, and then move forward after you analyze it and put it in one of the categories you discussed. I think that's why mindfulness is so important, right? Mindfulness brings us to the present moment. You know that's what mindfulness is. You know, you realize that your bodies, our bodies, are always present in the moment.

There can't be any place else where our minds, often the hips, are positioned in front of us or dragging the past behind us. Right. So, mindfulness is the gift we've been given when we learn mindfulness practices. What is in the book? We learn to bring our mind back into our body in the present moment, the only place of life that bestows precious gifts upon us or is willing to be present to receive them.

Certainly, certainly. Number 12, what practical tools for exercises from the book can people use to listen to their fears and respond with clarity?

That's a good question. Again, mindfulness is the practice. At the end of this chapter, there's a mindfulness practice that addresses the issues brought forward in that chapter. Each messenger has its own mindfulness practices.

If you want to practice mindfully the conversations that you're having with those fears, you'll learn what you need to know. But you have to be mindful of the present moment to receive. And again, this is the problem for too many of us. When fears pop up in front of us, we spin. And once we deny them, we try not to tie them.

We do things to cover that fear or to get away from it. You. You can run, but you can't hide. You're always going to be with us. So, learning how to identify, embrace, and invite it to be our teacher rather than scold it is a matter of learning.

Yep, how does fear of the unknown hold people back? And what techniques do you recommend to help embrace the unknown with confidence?

Again, all fear is a test or concern of loss or something. Loss or death of something. And so, we must ask ourselves the logical question: is what I fear absolute? Is what I'm fearing attached to a legitimate concern of loss or death?

Or am I dramatizing or overemphasizing the concern that I've lost? So you have to be willing to come to the edge. You know, I love Guillermo Polin’s great poems. He said to go to the edge. This, they said, no, we're afraid. He said, come to the edge. They came, and he pushed them, and they threw.

That's why they were afraid to come to the edge. This is a metaphor that I don't want anybody going to the edge of a cliff and jumping off the edge of your comfort zone, leaning over a little bit, trusting and knowing there's something within you that knows how to get you to what's next. If you want to trust.

Yeah, I heard somewhere in my life that 90% of the fear we fear never comes to fruition. Oh, yeah. So it's all fear. We create the scenario here, then it moves into the heart and becomes real. Yep, yeah, yeah. All right. How does fear show up in the body, and what role does mindfulness or meditation play in addressing physical manifestations of fear?

Well, fear can show up in the body in a number of ways. So this is number one. Yeah, I think the fear has been embraced or has been around for years and years and years. We can spend energy within our bodies that makes it on wellness. First, learn how to identify your fears again, dance with them, and understand that emotional awareness is huge.

If we listen, the body will always tell us what's happening in the mind. However, emotional awareness will help us realize what the mind is trying to say to us. Every emotion carries a message that is a lot of work in our heads, not our bodies. We don't get the message.

The head sends the message to the body. The body responds with emotional awareness. This triggers our ability to enter into rational observations of what we fear, what's real, and what's not. Right, and that's what I hear here. I'm hearing that the most important thing I'm taking away from this conversation with you is that you have to identify that seer and then figure out what I can do to move forward. Is it false? Is it real? And then maybe talk to somebody like yourself to say, Okay, perhaps you can't see it, but I'm on the outside looking in, and this is what I see. So, I think that's so important. What you've been saying about mindfulness, living in the moment, and defining what that fear is fantastic.

And once we define that, we must learn how to transcend it, not make it go away. This is never going to go away. But when we transcend something, we no longer let it affect us. That's it.

Okay.

What advice would you give to someone struggling with chronic fear? And how can you provide them with the roadmap to move forward?

Do some mindfulness practices and meditations to reveal where in your life there is a concern of loss or

You know, I mean some. So, we all live in rational and irrational fears of loss. I'm trying to think of an example. Where? Ask yourself where I live? Is the fear of loss dwelling in it real or not real?

Right? It's like, you know, it's real. Then, you must learn how to deal with it and address it positively and proactively. If not, I just have to learn how to let it go. And transcendent. That's what the book gives you tools to do, too. And that's what I was going to say. I was going to say, you know, a lot of this when we talk about it. I have an understanding, so I can utilize it and practice it.

I think the best thing to do would be to read the book. So, I will ask you if it's okay to hold up the book because I want people to know what we discussed today about who we are. So that's beautiful right there. So, you'll see when Seer speaks. Listen, that's the book. You can get it on Choice or on Amazon. You can go to a Dennis website anywhere. You should purchase this book and really start getting rid of some of that fear. I might also add that if you go to my website, I've created study guides for all my books, and they're like in-home study guides for small groups.

If people want to host a discussion group around the book, think a lot. Download the study guide and use the study guide as a guide to move through the conversations. It includes workshops, too

Perfect. Perfect. That is so wonderful, Dennis, and I hope this is the beginning of a long relationship. I'd like to discuss all your books with you. I love that, and I think you did a fantastic job. And you really help me. At the very least, you help me. And I look forward to, you know, doing this in the future. So we're coming to the end of the podcast right now, and, as I always say, welcome choices, books, and gifts, where you always have options.

I hope that Dennis and I helped, you know, improve somebody’s life out there and continue the good fight, Jay. May I ask that your website choices are beautiful? There are so many opportunities for people to enhance their experience in life. So, go download or buy some of the tools you are offering.

Thank you so much for that, Dennis. Listen. God bless you. Have a wonderful day. I'll be in touch. Okay, sir. Love it. Namaste.